She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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