dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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