this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
