1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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