i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
