He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
