This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He kissed a someone with a penis
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Randomize
