don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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