I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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