Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
