Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
