He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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