what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
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