be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
