I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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