I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Text me some of your sweat
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
