So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
