I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
