I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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