my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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