hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
