apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
