the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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