Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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