oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I have tasted many bathrooms
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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