Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
