Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
