I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Randomize
