So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
