Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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