I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
