I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
