I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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