What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
