Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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