I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
