The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Randomize
