Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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