Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I think I am morally bankrupt
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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