i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
