so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
