Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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