I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
