I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
