The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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