Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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