I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
