There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
