My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
