dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
