Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
