Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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