i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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